


Ain't no holler back girl

by querencias



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Crack, Fluff, Gen, I'm sorry this whole thing is crack, Not beta'd we die like men, Slice of Life, if we say no homo we're not gay right, super inaccurate portrayal of literally everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 19:50:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20784161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/querencias/pseuds/querencias
Summary: The Seventeen members turn into girls. That's it, that's the tweet.





	Ain't no holler back girl

**Author's Note:**

> This was written about 3 years ago when they were still young and fluffy and it was posted onto another platform. I dug it out of its hiding hole of shame to post as my first fic on ao3 so that no one has any sort of expectations of the works that I'll post in the future ;_; Nothing is accurate in this story, it's just a little fluff indulgence piece that I wrote in a frenzy, please forgive the grammatical and tense errors! 
> 
> This is also not representative of how I write, sentence structure and vocabulary does NOT exist in this fic, be warned. Members' personalities are also exaggerated versions of their stage personalities and are definitely not accurate!

Seungcheol is the first to turn. He wakes up the earliest, and prepares to wash up first to avoid the early morning bathroom rush that is expected of a dorm with thirteen people and two bathrooms, and steels himself for the war that is waking up his twelve charges. Especially Jihoon, the boy had a tendency to roll himself back into bed, even after washing up. It did not help that most of the older boys let him get away with it, content to coo at him like he was a child (he really was one to them, although they would never admit it).

Seungcheol rolls out of bed, narrowly avoiding a sleeping Jihoon, and stumbles onto his feet. Strange, he was off-balance and his chest hurt the moment he stood. There was also an inordinate amount of hair on his head, and he resolves to punish whoever put the black haired wig onto his head while he was sleeping. He tugs, and it hurts his scalp _ so much _, and he changes plans. Punish? No, he was going to murder whoever glued the wig onto his head.

Seungcheol shuffles into the bathroom and looks into the mirror, hand already tousling his hair in an attempt to find the ends of his real hair and the start of the wig, when he catches sight of something in the mirror, and stops.

“What.”

There were two mounds on his chest. _ Are those boobs, _ Seungcheol wonders, a little hysterically. _ I may be dying, but at least I’ll get to feel some before I die. _ He panics, and sticks his whole hand down his pants in an effort to get a grasp on reality, but finds nothing.

Seungcheol screams.

The dorm wakes slowly, Jeonghan muttering to a sleeping Mingyu, “did you hear a girl scream or was it my dream?” To which Mingyu mutters, “there are no girls on the Internet”, and Jeonghan gives up on him totally.

The boys gather in the kitchen twenty minutes later after washing up in the only toilet available since one was “locked and Seungcheol hyung is definitely in there doing God knows what”, at that point a sleepy Joshua smacking Seungkwan for Taking The Lord’s Name in Vain. From the corridor, faint thudding sounds are heard, a bedroom door slams shut and then some muffled, strangled screams.

“Seungcheol, if you’re going to have a Mental Breakdown at 8 in the morning please do so quickly and come down for breakfast, the babies are waiting!” Jeonghan calls out serenely, hands mixing pancake batter without stopping.

A bang, as if someone kicked a wall, and then a dark figure appears in the kitchen doorway, hoodie on and pulled so tightly shut only a nose can be seen. The figure drags a chair out and sits with a distinct huff.

“Is Seungcheol hyung okay,” Mingyu attempts to whisper but the task is too difficult for him, his words echoing throughout the kitchen. Chan winces, ready for a reprimand from the leader followed by some play-wrestling, but the leader figure is still.

“Seungcheol?” Jeonghan is concerned at this point, passing the pan to Mingyu who takes it without complaint.

Jeonghan walks to Seungcheol and attempts to remove the hood and check on him. Seungcheol fights him to keep it on but his efforts are futile, in the scuffle his hoodie is yanked downwards and long lashes, doe eyes and long black hair is revealed.

“GIRL IN THE KITCHEN!”

The top-naked boys scramble to find coverings, various interpretations of apologies shouted as they run, and strangely enough a Cantonese one coming from Junhui, who is cowering under the table.

“Is that Seungcheol’s sister?” Chan whispers to Hansol, who shrugs and continues stealing fried eggs from the stack on the counter.

“Jeonghan ah—” the girl starts, and Jeonghan falls back because that was definitely Seungcheol even with the feminine features.

“Seungcheol?” Jeonghan tries tentatively.

The girl nods.

“Feel my boobs.”

Jeonghan groans in confused exasperation.

They come up with a plan to claim that Seungcheol was sick to keep the managers in the dark, at least until Seungcheol gains back his manhood, which they fervently hope will happen as soon as possible.

“What if you masquerade as a guy, Seungcheol ah,” Jeonghan suggests, “we could just cut off your hair and bind your breasts.”

“How would be explain the feminine features and the sudden weight loss though,” Jihoon pipes up, and they are discouraged, reverting back to the Sudden Sickness Really Contagious Can’t Be Seen In Public excuse.

“You know how we always talk about how girls are lucky because they don’t have a weak spot that everyone automatically goes for,” Seokmin starts, “we can test that theory now.”

Everyone simultaneously turns their head to look at Seungcheol, who starts backing away in fear.

“NOT TODAY SATAN,” she shouts as she fights off Seokmin, long nails grabbing tufts of his hair as he screams for mercy.

Jeonghan turns overnight two days later, a graceful being whose emergence in the morning causes Joshua to trip and fall, screaming that an angel has appeared and that he would like to go to heaven but not now please _ why is the angel naked _ and then scream again when he recognizes Jeonghan’s features on said angel’s face. He faints in religious confusion, and a sleepy Hansol drags him out of the corridor and into the living room.

Jeonghan is lithe and graceful and feminine, and her words “tinkle like chimes in the breeze of a beautiful summer day”, a dazed Joshua burbles out before Hansol knocks him out vehemently.

Her hair is white and long, which is probably why Seokmin’s whole body sags, “Ghost…” choked out as he joins Joshua on the floor in unconsciousness.

The turning of another member hits them hard, the possibility of the rest of them turning has them fervently checking for their male packages as they progress through the day.

Jeonghan does not fit into any of their clothes, and decides to ask their After School sunbaenims to lend them some clothes while they figure out what the hell to do with the members of Seventeen (presumably) turning into girls one by one.

“Oh my God,” Seungcheol wails, “I can’t go up to Raina noona and ask her for bras.”

Jeonghan does not relent, consoling Seungcheol in the only way she knew how.

“At least you don’t need to ask her how to tie long hair, you’ve got me.”

Seungcheol bursts out in tears.

Joshua accompanies them in their Quest for Bras, the only one they would trust to be gentlemanly around female undergarments.

Seungcheol barely chokes out “Hello, I’m actually Choi Seungcheol from Seventeen and I need some bras and maybe clothes” before Raina and Nana yank her and Jeonghan into the dorm. Ten minutes later they emerge, hair plaited, dresses on, and their suitcases bursting full of clothes and the long-awaited bras.

Jeonghan fastens a butterfly clip into her hair delicately. Nana had stuffed her into a long, flowing gown and with her white hair, she looks like a Goddess, and she knows it. They’re given enough clothes for about three people, but Seungcheol declines more just in case they jinx it and cause more people to turn.

The boys are suddenly well behaved, listening to Jeonghan’s words as if they were the Gospel, and Seungcheol swears that if she knew that turning into a girl would afford her more control over the twelve children, she would have considered a sex change years ago.

Jeonghan decides that to keep up with her image as her Goddess, she would wear heels all day long and be Gorgeous, and drags Seungcheol out to go shoe shopping with her. Against Seungcheol’s wishes, she goes for seven-inch heels because “they make my legs look good”.

“Heels hurt,” Jeonghan moans, after a mere twenty minutes of walking, clutching onto Seungcheol like a drunkard. At least a drunkard would feel less pain.

“How do girls do this all the time?”

Mingyu is assigned to foot rubbing duty as Jeonghan relaxes into the sofa, and resolves to burn all of Jeonghan’s newly acquired heels if it meant that Jeonghan would complain like this all the time.

No one is surprised when Joshua turns, a mere three days after Jeonghan. Jeonghan and Seungcheol welcome him into the Girl Line, and Joshua’s strawberry pink hair is braided within minutes. They share the clothes from Nana, and finally put the eyelash curlers to use.

Joshua wears all the long sleeved shirts and pants, because “a woman’s body is a shrine”, or whatever. None of them were listening, content instead, to look at her chest, the shirt near to bursting. It is because of this that Seungcheol declares a DMZ in the Seventeen dorm, staking out a bedroom for Girls Use Only, and taping a line across the corridor that “males cannot cross”.

Joshua falls into the toilet bowl one night, and only with Seungcheol and Jeonghan pulling her up does she manage to free herself from the bottomless abyss masquerading as the toilet.

They stage an intervention, and Seungcheol drills The Rules of A Gentleman into the boys’ heads, with a strong emphasis on Rule One: A Gentleman Never Leaves the Toilet Seat Up.

With this, the Demilitarized Zone claims more territory as “boys cannot be trusted to keep their promises,” Jeonghan claims, as she moves the tape to encompass a bathroom.

“Why did they teach us to put the seat down then,” Seokmin mutters to Mingyu, and is promptly awarded a smack from Seungcheol who was seated right behind them.

Joshua spends all their money on bras, and the boys cover up the purchases by intercepting the mail from the credit card company and burning the letter, praying that the managers do not remember to check for the letter.

They don’t, and Joshua rejoices in her freedom to move without hurting her back by attempting to do a pin-drop, before falling flat on her face because of her body’s changed center of gravity.

“Do you think the managers will notice the bill if I go for breast reduction,” a dejected Joshua asks Seungcheol, who gives her the biggest glare as she’s barely half her size.

“Just lie down and die,” she snaps, “when you were buying bras the lady offered me a push-up.”

The dorm wakes at 4am, distraught screaming from the toilet and a missing Junhui the only clues to what had happened. Seungcheol and Jeonghan bravely pick the lock and march into the toilet, and a strange cacophony of screams and sobbing are heard by the waiting boys and girls gathered outside the toilet, holding onto each other in fear.

Jeonghan eventually emerges from the toilet with Seungcheol in tow, like an angel dragging a fallen general out of the war field. The members await eagerly for her report.

“We need to go buy pads. And tampons. And every single female hygiene item we can possibly get. And maybe a book on how to use them.”

They depart with Wonwoo and Joshua, the only two they trust to be mature about their unexpected situation, and return in an hour, Seungcheol complaining that Jeonghan “literally swept all of the tampons and pads into the basket and we bought the whole shelf”, to which Jeonghan replied with a kick to his crotch. It is less effective than expected.

There is a big uproar in the toilet as the girls fight over which item to use, an unamused Wonwoo hurriedly flipping through “Menstruation for Dummies” because “do you really want to put it up the wrong hole, noona?”

Junhui screams that they should just stuff it up every orifice that is bleeding, and the toilet door bangs shut after they boot Seungcheol out, leaving only Jeonghan and Junhui inside.

“Shouldn’t tampons be used to stop nosebleeds, hyung?” Chan whispers to Jihoon, who shrugs and hugs Chan closer to comfort himself in this Great Female Pandemic, where men are becoming more endangered and females gaining power in this previously all-male household.

Then, a triumphant shout and Junhui and Jeonghan appear, victorious smiles on their faces as the rest of Seventeen get a look at Junhui for the first time.

Junhui is dark, dark hair, dark eyes, and yet what gets the boys is when she turns around and shows off her “la derriere le plus fantastique”, as Vernon calls it, and Minghao faceplants into a door to cover up his nosebleed that spontaneously started. Junhui clears her throat, and sends the boys into a frenzy, surreptitiously covering up the fronts of their pants. A casual hair tousle, and Mingyu Excuses Himself, the rest of the boys waddling behind him until they are out of sight of the females before fighting over who goes into the bathroom first.

Joshua huffs, because such behavior is Not Holy, and prays that this ordeal will be over soon.

Soonyoung’s arrival causes squealing from the older members, because _ oh my God she’s like a little hamster LOOK AT HER CHEEKS THEY’RE SO ROUND SEUNGCHEOL HOLD ME I’M WEAK _, and Jeonghan swoons into Seungcheol’s waiting hands.

She ruins it, however, by opening her mouth. With one pun, _ haha do you want to drink cars or tea _, and they are utterly disillusioned. Seungcheol instructs her to keep her mouth closed when they are ordering meat at the barbeque restaurant nearby, and Seventeen gains fifty helpings of meat while only paying for twenty.

She shares clothes with Joshua, the only one who has a chest size similar to her. Vernon walks out of the bedroom one morning when Soonyoung forgets to put on a shirt, and barely chokes out “Oh yeah, Double Ds—” before getting kicked by Seungcheol.

“Have some respect, there are females here. Soonyoung, put on some clothes dear.”

Seungcheol is good at controlling situations, if anything.

Soonyoung refuses to give up dancing even with two watermelons attached to her chest, because “If Real Girls Can Do It then Why Can’t I”, but a mere twenty seconds into the chorus of Rock and the unturned members of Seventeen have to Excuse Themselves, all of them thundering into their rooms and toilets to preserve their sanity.

Jeonghan huffs delicately. “Men,” she sniffs, “are disgusting. Soonyoung sweetie, you’ll get used to it soon enough.”

Chan overhears her words and vows to Man Up for his noonas.

Wonwoo’s emerges one morning, already dressed in female clothes and his reading spectacles, and Mingyu immediately turns and runs for the door, yelling that he was going for a run.

“Ah,” Vernon says as he attempts to steal an omelet off the stove when Jeonghan is distracted, “Wonwoo noona must have reignited Mingyu hyung’s Librarian fetish.”

Seungkwan is delighted at that revelation, and wastes no time going through all of the female closets to look for the most Librarian-esque clothes, before realizing that he had accidentally trespassed on the Demilitarized Zone. Seungcheol forgives him just this once, as Seungkwan’s idea was what Seungcheol had planned to do, and Seungkwan _ did _ have multiple outfits planned out already.

The managers, however, finally find out about the _ special state _of Seventeen’s hyung line. They barge into the dorm, two weeks after Seungcheol’s change, insistent that “If they’re that sick they should go to the hospital instead of staying inside the dorm all day!”

The bras lying around gain their attention.

“You guys have been hiding girls in your dorm? Wait until the CEO finds out! And the rest have been helping them to be irresponsible and keep their secret?” The managers scold, yelling for the guys to come out with their “girlfriends”.

“It’s worse than that,” Chan whimpers, but refuses to elaborate.

Seungcheol gathers courage to be the first one to confess to the managers, but Jeonghan gracefully moves her aside and appears from the doorway, presenting herself to the managers.

“I didn’t know Jeonghan had a sister,” one manager whispers to the other, awestruck by the glow that seemed to be emanating from Jeonghan (It is actually Junhui and Soonyoung using their flashlights on their phone).

“I do,” Jeonghan replies, and the managers nod along emphatically, before the sentence parses in their minds and they are left wondering how Jeonghan actually turned into a girl.

Then, the rest of the girls appear, and the managers nearly faint in a mix of both horror and fascination.

“How do we do events now,” one wails, “I should’ve been a Pristin manager instead.”

Jihoon fights the change with all he has. At this point, they’ve figured out that it happens when they’re sleeping, after at least two days of the last change. Jihoon refuses to sleep on Night Two of Wonwoo’s change, proclaiming that he’d rather “Die than sleep and change into Someone of Another Gender”. He lasts for three days, three days where the coffee shop near their dorm nearly runs out of caffeinated drinks in order to keep his eyes open and his sanity in check. He nods off on Day Six though, a ten minute nap before he jerks awake in horror and finds that he now has two orange sized mounds on his chest and Jihoon Junior missing.

A string of curses, strangely attractive sounding in a Busan accent, filters through the door and Jeonghan perks up.

“Good,” he chirps warmly, “now we have more girls than boys, and this means that we can have another bathroom and bedroom. We are, after all, a democratic society.”

Jihoon is short, shorter than her male form, the top of her head only reaching Chan’s chin, and is cooed over by the older few. Her hair is cut short in a bob, which makes her look even younger, and Junhui wastes no time in attaching a pink hair clip to her blonde hair and then picking her up to cuddle on the sofa.

“Take that frown off your face, Jihoon ah!” Jeonghan calls while bringing over the S sized clothes for Jihoon to try on, “you’ll look twenty-five instead of twenty and that’s not good for us girls!”

Jihoon is eventually dressed in a white sweater and a pink skirt, because Jeonghan is a vindictive mother hen who had apparently planned for this and was ready for her daughter Jihoon to look “as adorable as possible”, she sings as she dresses her, Jihoon already casting longing glances at the knives in the kitchen, making the younger few back away in trepidation.

Seokmin calls Jihoon “the cutest baby he’s ever seen”, and Seungcheol beams as Jihoon chases Seokmin with a stick he procures from under the sofa.

“They grow up so quick,” she sniffs as she wipes away proud tears, “only twenty, and she’s already chasing a boy!”

Seokmin barricades himself in the bedroom until Jihoon falls asleep waiting for him to come out.

By this time, most of Seventeen have already disappeared from the media spotlight for over two months, and twitter user @johnjohnjohn sparks a frenzy when she tweets about this fact. The managers quickly release photos of the boys having fun together just before they turned, but a sharp-eyed netizen points out that “the café they’re in closed down two months ago,” and then the metaphorical shit hits the fan.

Scrambling to fix this, the managers arrange for a press conference for the remaining males, their official excuse being that the older few are working on their album overseas and having a healing time, and the press calm down.

#PROTECTOURSEBONGS trends on twitter, and fans bombard the Seventeen Twitter for updates, and are rewarded with side views of the girls with hoodies on and hair hidden.

Amidst all this, Seokmin turns, and the younger few are booted out of the third bedroom and made to sleep on futons in the living room. Hair is strewn everywhere in the dorm, and they have to vacuum the floor every day.

“Seokmin ah, stop spending so much time in the toilet,” Wonwoo calls, banging on the toilet door after it remains closed for an hour.

“Unnie,” Seokmin wails, “my hands and my hair are tangled together and I can’t untangle them.”

They call in the female rescue squad, Jeonghan, Joshua and Junhui, and Seokmin’s hair is cut short, brushing past her shoulders, because “there’s no helping that idiot, it was either her hair or amputation,” as Junhui claims.

Mingyu has a nightmare at 2am that someone is trying to rob Seventeen in their dorm and is currently strangling the life out of him, and when he jerks out of the nightmare, he panics because _ there is still something strangling him why does no one care! _

Seokmin bursts in after hearing choked burbles from Mingyu, and switches on the light in hurriedly.

“Unnie, you’re being strangled by your own hair,” he says drolly, watching Mingyu struggle with the invisible attacker before opening his eyes and realizing that it was just his hair. His long, black hair that is currently not the length that it was when he went to sleep.

“Ah.”

Mingyu as a girl is still impossibly clumsy, perhaps even more (Seungcheol shudders at the thought), and trips down the stairs on his first outing as a girl. She is all legs, her model-like body gaining catcalls from guys and she automatically tries to fight them before realizing that she would probably fall down before the fight even starts.

Hannah Montana plasters run out of stock very quickly at their convenience store, and the cashier marvels at the beagle-like girls who keep coming to the store to buy everything up, pads, snacks and now plasters. _ What a blessed world we live in, _he smiles blissfully as he bags the fifth shelf of snacks, Soonyoung already helping herself to the prawn crackers in the first bag.

Seventeen still gather for their daily talk sessions, now scheduled after the boys finish dance practice while the girls watch and occasionally join when they want to, but the topics have shifted from concerns about idol life to just casual conversations since there was no way Seventeen could plan for another comeback when half their members spend their days braiding each others’ hair and shopping. They fight over their girl-boy differences, and the girls win more often than not, the boys cowed by the fierce glares of the girls that would definitely not hesitate to go for their baby-makers if they disagreed.

“We could be a girl group,” Seungkwan suggests, “we already have three vocals, three rappers and three dancers.”

“What would our group name even be?” Wonwoo mutters, not even looking up from her game.

“Sonyeoteen!”

“I can’t believe you’ve actually thought about this.”

“Who’s this punk,” Jeonghan insults the moment a multi-coloured head shows up for breakfast, mesh shirt and finger gloves modified from existing clothes.

“Fight me, hyung.” Minghao is cranky in the morning, already unhappy that she had to cut up her shirts to be able to fit into them, and has already started several altercations with the younger few.

Jeonghan gasps, because _ first of all, _ she is an _ unnie, _and secondly, she is a Goddess who will definitely not be interacting with punks or ruffians of any kind.

Seungcheol reports that there are fewer tampons than there were the day before (they started to keep count because female hygiene products really ate up a lot of their household budget and someone _ coughSoonyoungcough _ couldn’t handle a little blood and changed tampons every hour) and Jeonghan _ ahhs _ in understanding.

“Did you put it in the wrong hole, Minghao sweetie?” She asks, all mother-like, and it takes all that Minghao has not to deck Jeonghan across the face.

Wonwoo nods, proclaiming Minghao’s inexperience in all things female, and Minghao lunges, grabbing fistfuls of Wonwoo’s silver hair and they both go down with a wail, Jihoon jumping in for no apparent reason at all and it starts a three-way fight, with the boys putting down bets on the fighting girls, courtesy of Seokmin who volunteers to be banker.

“One thousand won on Minghao noona winning the fight in ten minutes,” Chan whispers, because Jeonghan noona would definitely not approve of betting.

“Two thousand won on Wonwoo noona knocking both of them out with the encyclopedia,” Hansol immediately counters, placing the money in Seokmin’s hand.

“You’re all insane, do you remember Jihoon chasing me with the guitar like three years ago? And her chasing Seokmin with a stick? I’ll put five thousand won on Jihoon demolishing the both of them,” Mingyu jumps in confidently.

None of them win in the end, the girls agreeing to a truce after seeing handfuls of hair on the floor. Seokmin pockets all the money gleefully while Seungcheol marvels at the hair on the floor.

“There are so many colours! I want hair like that too,” Seungcheol sighs wistfully. This prompts Junhui to look at Minghao’s hair, rainbow coloured and yet still as soft as unbleached hair. The girls sigh over Minghao’s hair, and Jeonghan raises the possibility of doing beach waves with it.

“No.” Minghao is adamant, but then falters when she sees the amount of hair styling products Jeonghan produces.

“RUNNING WITHOUT A BRA HURTS,” Minghao wails as she thunders down the corridor, Junhui and Jeonghan close behind with various hair products in their hands.

Everyone praises Minghao’s curls under the watchful glare of Jeonghan, and Minghao resigns herself to Jeonghan’s reign as Queen of the Seventeen Dorm.

(“Check my skirt,” becomes so frequently used that the boys wonder what secret the girls are keeping from them.)

Seungkwan is perhaps the most excited for his turn, ready to emulate “Beyoncé Sunbaenim” and has already planned out his camera angles to film Put a Ring on It, Seungkwan Girl Version. His change doesn’t come for two weeks, and a disappointed Seungkwan checked his still-there appendages every morning, coaxing it to change.

“It’s not like I don’t like you, I can’t live without you! But if you would just disappear for a while, Beyoncé noona would be really proud of you.”

“Seungkwan, stop talking to your dick and come eat breakfast!” Jeonghan’s voice is melodic even when she yells, and Seungkwan finds himself following without any hesitation.

Seungkwan finally gets her time to shine, and she wakes up bright and chipper, outfit ready behind the door because of _ course _ she has planned all her outfits to coordinate and she’s going to be an _ amazing _girl.

She immediately starts putting on makeup (what the heck is a waterline?) and practicing sexy faces in the toilet mirror because she _ needs _ to do Beyoncé unnie justice.

“Seungkwan, I love you like the daughter I don’t have the womb to bear, but please stop, you look constipated.” Seungcheol crushes Seungkwan’s dreams with one sentence, and Seungkwan vows to put bubblegum in Seungcheol’s hair the first opportunity she gets.

Her dance cover gets a million views in two days, and Pledis scouts her to be in their new girl group.

(She is tempted to accept, but Seokmin’s glares in her direction convince her otherwise.)

Hansol is an All-American Beauty, her jawline putting Halle Berry to shame, and her lashes so long that even Jeonghan is jealous.

“Just use your eyelashes to sweep the floor,” Minghao snarks, and Hansol laughs.

Hansol is so accepting and so ready to _ chill _ that even when guys hit on her she shrugs it off, and an angry Seungcheol has to be there to fight off guys who get a little too close when they’re in the train.

“Just scare them away with your tie-dyed shirts,” and they descend into madness again, all twelve girls jumping in with pillows that are already prepared on the sofa (pillow fighting is a nightly sport at the Sonyeoteen dorm).

“What about the phonecase—” someone barely manages before the outraged screaming starts again and the fight begins, the girls fighting with renewed vigour.

Chan sits sadly on the couch, wondering when he can join his noonas. Pillow fighting seemed fun.

Now that they were a literal army of extremely attractive girls, people on the streets took notice of them, and rumours began to surface that a new girl group was about to debut. This prompts them to stay at the dorm more often than not, and they laze around most of the time, taking it as a break from their activities, even if it’s not by their own choice.

They karaoke a lot, and find themselves more adept than ever at girl group dances, even roping in a reluctant Jihoon to dance with them.

“Stop poking me with your unshaved legs,” Soonyoung yells as Mingyu brushes past her, which sparks a debate on who hasn’t been clearing their hair from the drain, the suspects only the brown-haired girls.

Seokmin confesses, and is condemned to clean the dorm for a week.

It is a relief when Chan turns, no longer obligated to go out into the media and lie about the whereabouts of the rest of Seventeen. It’s amazing that Chan had lasted so long, and the unnies congratulate Chan’s maturation into a strong and independent girl by throwing a pajama party.

“We can’t even have a Girl Line anymore, we’re all girls,” Jeonghan laments one night, “now we’re just unnie and maknae line, like any other girl group.”

They marathon Boys Over Flowers, “a Classic,” Soonyoung proclaims, and argue over the boys.

“Lee Min Ho is cuter,” Junhui shouts as he bats away an angry Jihoon, “even with his permed hair.”

“Kim Bum is way cuter,” Jihoon and Soonyoung chime in, while Seungcheol and Jeonghan fight for Kim Hyun Joong’s rights.

“Guys, isn’t there another guy in the F4,” Seokmin tries, but is ignored and Chan pats his back in sympathy.

Sonyeoteen wail at the ending together, and vow to never get into relationships with mean girls.

They sleep together in a puppy pile, because “it’s not gay if we’re girls,” as Jihoon puts it.

Three months after their first change, and Seungcheol sits Sonyeoteen down for a serious talk.

“Gu—Girls, we’re going to have to think of ideas to hasten the change back.”

Jeonghan snorts.

“Our periods have all synced up, and you think now is the best time to ask girls to do something?” 

Surrounding her, the rest of the girls are hunched over in pain, except Soonyoung, who miraculously managed to get lucky with pain-free periods. Seungcheol looks towards Soonyoung for her valuable input.

“If we all synced up to Jeonghan’s period, does that mean that Jeonghan’s cycle is the Alpha Period?”

Seungcheol swears that she will tape Soonyoung’s mouth shut someday.

“How are we going to have our comeback,” moans Jihoon, “at this rate we can just debut as a girl group and hope that the public doesn’t notice anything strange. Mingyu can’t even walk like a normal girl, he’s like a seal on dry land without shoes, how is he going to dance in heels?”

Seungkwan perks up. “Sonyeoteen!”

“Shut up, Seungkwan,” twelve voices charm harmoniously as pillows are launched in his direction mercilessly.

Christmas Day was cold, and the Sonyeoteen members were slow in getting up. Seungcheol rises the first as usual, hurrying to the toilet to get the tampons for Mingyu and Minghao as they were on their period.

He stops.

There is something dangling between his legs, and this had _ better not be a joke, if it was he would RIP Seungkwan’s hair out. _

He reaches tentatively.

He grasps. Something. And that is enough.

With a yell of triumph, he thunders into Jeonghan’s room and smacks Jeonghan with his dongle.

“Jeonghan it’s back! SEUNGCHEOL JUNIOR IS BACK KIDS!” Seungcheol roars his triumph as he swings around wildly.

Around him, the members are waking up and screaming their happiness as they find their manhoods back in place, none worse for the wear.

Their managers are relieved, immediately scheduling a press conference to announce the comeback of Seventeen, and readying the practice room for Seventeen.

Fans all around the world rejoice, #THEKINGSRETURN trending on Twitter and fan gifts flooding the Pledis building. Seventeen immediately record the tracks that Jihoon had been hoarding during their self-imposed exile, and fans praise female empowerment messages in the lyrics.

Seventeen resolve to keep this incident firmly locked away in the drawer of Things We Just Don’t Talk About, beside Pigeon Seokmin and Mingyu Flips Puppy Down Stairs.

However, they do still sit down to pee for years after that.

**Author's Note:**

> come scream about Seventeen at me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/leejihuwun)


End file.
